2001-09-02 - 12:13 a.m. - we freeze the trees in the winter.
back in dayton time moves much faster than i am accustomed to. i talked to my parents for a long time today about school and fear. i have realized that i can not express fear to my parents. whenever i try to tell them im afraid or fragile or sad it all comes out as anger. and today was as frightening as ever. mom saying how she used to be the same as i am now. will i really change so much as to completely shift to a more mainstream ideology in twenty years or do they not understand me? im half of a pretentious teenager and half an aging cynic who bitters with age. i am the antithesis of wine.after talking to my parents i went out without really having anyplace to go. i just got sick of debating in circles with them and sick of myself for being so angry with everything. i drove past the doughnut shop but couldnt bring myself to go sit by myself for hours knowing no one was there.
finally i decided to go to an old park which has always been my sort of, special place maybe it could be called? this park has a clearing with two chimneys that used to be the north and south walls of a log cabin long before this city was here where i go sometimes. as soon as i entered the park i felt the present slowly melt and disentangle itself from insides. i started walking slower. and every bit of inspiration that has struck me since i got back from england came flooding back. like everything that has been making me feel sick to my stomach daily and filled with fear and fragile dissappeared and all that was left was beauty.
i sat down on a picnic table in between the two chimneys, in the middle of what used to be somebody's house, no longer trying to avoid all the ghosts that haunt the clearing but instead embracing them. enoucraging them to join me for a cigarette. something in the corner of my eye flashed white against the trees that form a sort of spiritual barrier around this little heaven. maybe it was somebody's fahter or grandfather or great grandfather. maybe it was just myself. maybe it was you. we came here together. how could it not be you? we got lost here together.
and in those few moments of serenity, answering machines and computer assisted classes and lonliness and computer viruses, and all of my histories and all of your herstories dissappeared and there was just a man and my memories. and i want to see you soon but i dont think youre in dayton now and I cant imagine you'd want to see me anyway. why would you? still.
and now i am at andrews house and we are listening to the flashpapr radio performance. and slowly everything negative is starting to seep back into me even though i am here with some amazing people. and really, the only thing i've learned in the first week of school is that nothing means anything, ever.
im so fucking ready for fall.
and i really miss sitting around bonfires with all of my friends. now all of my friends are spread out all the fuck over the place and none of them know each other. ill never have a time when all of my friends are with me anywhere. a few at a time.
lets have a bonfire and lets all be there. everyone of my friends. everyone of my more than acquaintances but not quite friends. yr all invited if i can ever make it happen and figure out a place to put it.
goodnight.
xoxo
listen to: flashpapr, his name is alive, neil young, the mountain goats. the promise ring. the beach boys, aloha, lovesick(r.i.p.)
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