2001-09-02 - 5:31 p.m. - all our favorite codes and a public service message for me by me.
"i said a young man ain't got nothin' in the world these days...""theres nothing left for me here now..."
everybody keeps acting like they care but no one really does. im sick and lonely and fragile and nothing really feels good anymore. i am conastantly reminding myself of one of those three dimensional puzzles but i am not a statue or a skyscraper or a museum. im a puzzle of a person and all this sound, all the car alarms and sirens and airplanes and silence are slowly shifting my pieces so that soon they will dislodge themselves from their places and ill just come tumbling down.
stop acting like you care, evryone, it only makes it worse.
and i remember many years ago when i was much younger than i am now, back before i knew how to write in cursive handwriting. my cousin, elizabeth, and i found the written, adult language of cursive so strange and mystifying and wanted nothing mroe than to understand it. she was always an adventurer, curious and, for reasons i never did figure out, angry. we would sit in the laundry closet at her house and pretend it was our office and we would scrawly wavey lines on paper and pretend it was cursive. it was our own code, imaginary but real. we were the only ones who could read it even though we were making it all up and because of that it was at that time, and in someways still is, the most valid thing i have ever been a pary to.
nothing is valid anymore.
there are so many codes a child can never understand and they long to be old so they can be let in on the secret of all these codes and be able to interpret what life is. as if somehow being an adult can give you the immediacy and knowledge to break every code ever devised, not matter how convoluted or cryptic, and figure what you are and what you mean. and then when you get to be that adult, you pour over lines of poems and sentences in novels. you write until your hands bleed from the pressure and type until yr fingers are blisters. you listen look love sing dance speak and really, nothing makes any more sence than it did when you were 7 years old and wishing you could read the beautiful letters scrawled on a sheet of paper and stuck to the refrigerator with a magnet.
to be honest, it shouldn't have been that difficult to understand. many cursive letters are similar to their printed counterparts. a t looks like a t. an a like an a. an o like an o. so why couldn't i understand? maybe it was because i knew i wasn't supposed to understand yet. like perhaps i knew i was supposed to wait until second grade when everything became crystal clear (or crystal clear as any second grader's handwriting can be) and allt he answers presented themselves to me naked and angry.
my ahndwriting has always been abyssmal. chicken scratch and barely linear. maybe im just afraid someone will actually be able to read it.
and one more thing: are their any single people out there who want to be my friend? im sick of hanging out with couples. 90% of all my friends are couples and therefore about 90% of the time i spend with other people is spent with couples. i really dont enjoy it. its really fucking annoying to watch them argue and then try to make you take sides. its really annoying to sit and watch tv while the couples just sit there lost in their own little world of love and flowers and candybars and puppy dogs. give me a fucking break. stop calling me to hang out when its couple time. all of you. (and you'll all think im just talking to one of you couples but im really talking to you all).
"don't go out alone" - lovesick
fuck this shit. im out of here.
xoxo
listen to: everything i always listen to particularly if Fred Thomas plays on or sings on it chances are i've listened to it in the last 24 hours. but dont forget the other fun stuff like Aloha, Ted Leo, Ten Dollar Typewriter, Neil Young etc. etc...
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