2001-08-25 - 1:13 a.m. - another entry for you.
i saw a brother hold his sisters handand in that moment was to understand
that all our answers are wrapped in their fingers
laced like shoes
and knotted like the blues
we sing. if
veins could dream
and blood could scheme
it's way through skin
then we could start to begin
to sing.
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i can tell the sadness is setting in already by the rings beneath your eyes and the way you are always looking down. i think i wanted to make a thousand wishes for you right then but i just missed 11:11 and you were the closest thing to a falling star for miles. so i made some wishes on you and hope they come true soon so the next time i see you it is with a smile.
you talked about being outside of everything and i can wholly relate. i can't remember the last time i was on the inside of anything. i think maybe i do this on purpose now. i am more comfortable alone and on the outside. like how everyone has a female friend they want me to meet and really i think im just better off being alone for now, maybe for the rest of my life. like i thought that if i didn't hate the catholoic church and what it represents so much i might become a priest. then i would die a virign (yeah, i am, and i think i only know one or two other people who are) and i really wouldn't have a problem with that.
i watched "The Last Temptation of Christ" again today and then i watched Pump Up The Volume again. then i read in orangina21's diary (check it out, she amazes me)about how she watched a movie about Abbie Hoffman and how it was a great activisit film. and really all i wanted to say in regards to that is, so are the two movies i watched today so i guess everyone had an impromptu activism day. jesus was so punk rock it hurts. people just don't get it.
there is a chorus of angels
singing 'round yr head
in a language so pure
we don't know what was said
we're no angels
beware of angels who are devils and tempt you from the cross into a life of comfort and mediocrity. rise above everything that you have been taught and redefine your world.
never settle for what is easy or comfortable.
only dream until you can act.
never never never never never never never give up.
keep the airwaves alive.
you are the most beautiful person i know. when i met you there were stars in your eyes because really, in a lot of ways we're the same. we're both so afraid, yet somehow brave at the same time. like we're afraid to be a part of everything around us but we're brave enough to keep on going from the outside, by ourselves, from the underground. j
we're better than dostoeovsky.
and remember when you said: "i can never imagine being that smart" in reference to designing airplanes and buildings and cracking secret codes. i just thought for a moment and said how i can relate because i can never imagine being brave or creative or intelligent enough to write my own Satanic Verses or Gravity's Rainbow or A Farewell to Arms. and i guess its the same thing. and i dont know if anyone will ever be that inspired again. inspiration is becoming as rare as sincerity in this world around us. but this is the longest diary entry i've written in a week and one of the most inspiring. you inspire me. i could write a novel tonight if i wasn't so tired.
well anyway, i love you.
and i hope all the other people who love you are making you feel loved right now.
and now i need to go flip my record and prepare to go back to bowling green tomorrow where i will see a few people i really want to see.
i miss you already.
xoxo
listen to: This mortal Coil, ted leo, atom and his package, hot water music, the sound of yer heart slowly breaking and the sound of glues slowly piecing it back together.
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