2001-08-26 - 1:43 a.m. - im not really a welcome week leader, just a cynical guy who reads too many david sedaris books.

i know as your welcome week leader i should probably tell you how much fun you will have here in the scenic and eventful town of Bowling Green, Ohio, and how your learning experience will be an adventure and a chance for beautiful and intense personal growth. I choose, however, to tell you the truth about what this experience entails so that maybe you won't waste your time and your parents money. get out now while its still cheap. truth be told most of you will not return next year ( i can't say i blame you) if you make it even that far. oh, im underestimating you? Im sorry but i saw you all out tonight walking to and from the clubs. pausing to vomit on streetlights and cars. i saw the ever shrinking clothing on you young girls tonight and i wonder why you don't just start going to the clubs naked so you don't even have to bother with the awkward hook up and going back to his place. just get it out of the way on the dacne floor. as yer welcome week leader i want you to know that by the end of next month you will be a full blown alcoholic but nobody will call you that. because its okay to be an alcoholic when you're a college student. i mean, sheesh, everybody drinks in college. and also, this is not a happy place and by the end of next month, unless you are a complete fucking moron with no inkling of anything spiritual, emotional, or philosophical inside your body. if you are lucky you will be content with life and the sturggle to make it better but chances are you will be miserable. wait, who am i kidding, most of you are complete fucking morons raised on mtv ideals and caring for nothing more than looking good, getting drunk and fucking in some strangers bedroom as quickly as possible before their roommate gets home. so yeah, you won't be anything special but at least you'll be happy.

but really, this place is rally beautiful. just walk down mainstreet at two in the morning on a weekend. observe the yellow haze of the street light and still silence in the air. then observe the two angry boys standing on the street corner calling each other faggots with such conviction as to warrant some sort of bibilical allusion which i am too tired to think of right now. oh wait, did one of them just punch the other? and all because one of the guys accidentally bumped into the other while he was waiting in line to get into that club playing "pussy patrol" as loud as loud can be. over on your right is the beautiful marquis of the cla-zel movie theater. right below the marqus you will see a small girl kneeling down and emptying the contents of at least several dozen beers from her stomach on the concrete. is that her boyfriend standing a block away acting embarassed and disgusted? nope, thats just a guy she just met who wants to take her home to fuck her brains out without even knowing her name, and barely remembering, the next morning, that he even had sex except for that pesky burning itch (what could it be) around his penis that has been bothering him for days. well, looks like hes out of look for the night unless he likes girls with vomit all over their faces and breath. hey, she'll be naked, and you don't really need to kiss to have sex, right?

welcome to the land of broken hearts where you are encouraged by your culture to make shitloads of incredibly bad, stupid, dangerous, ridiculous, pitiful, ugly, reatrded and fucking horrible desicions which will live with you for the rest of your life. maybe someday you'll be able to look back on them and laugh. perhaps a few of them anyway, like that time you had to get an abortion so your parents wouldn't make you quit school and move home. or maybe that time you got really drunk and blacked out and woke up in somebody's front yard knowing you had been fucked the night before but not remembering by whom, or even consenting to such an activity.

these are the best days of your lives folks. don't spend them trying to achieve that beautiful and important level of personal growth that only the intellectuals (geeks as us leadership week leaders like to call them) seek for. throw morality and strength out the window. thats what college is all about. i mean, sheesh, haven't you seen the movies? seriously you have had a succesful college experience if you have a) forgotten most of it due to extreme use of alcohol and/or drugs b) had lots and lots of sex with many different people some of whose names you don't even know and c) dont learn anything except how to just squeak by in life as a fucking worthless individual (perhaps individual isn't the word im looking for thought?) whose idea of social change is a new abercrombie and fitch shop opening up or the cancellation of friends.

yes you all will be the leaders of tomorrow so don't waste petty time on things like improving yourself or, god forbid, trying to achieve some sense of inner happiness or peace. responsibility is for parents and suckers so fucking party your booty off now. i mean, chances are within two years, if you party hard and drunk enough you will be a parent. or at least someone who would have been a parents except for the whole abortion thing.

this is the prime of your life. you don't need to remember it. you don't need to feel like you have done anything important. you don't even need to know what is goingon in the world around you. isn't it better to be fucking selfish to the point that all youc are about is how good you and your friends look and how totally ugly everybody else is. thats what college is all about. its all about trying to be hotter than the other kids. and trying to score more pussy or cock than the other kids . and trying to get drunker and higher (and fucking dumber) than the other kids.

so once again, welcome to the land of broken hearts. this barren wasteland of a soul we all call home. now i've told you how it really is are you going to fucking change it or are you going to perpetuate all the stereotypes i have laid forth(and stereotypes, although sometimes unjust, exist for a reason and that reason is there are often times elements of truth in them).

save your change. change your life.

change the world.

welcome indeed, to the land of broken hearts.

*********************

hold your head up high

looking bullets through the sky

until you fall.

xoxo

listen to: bonnie prince billy, ted leo (times a million) tekulvi, aloha, lovesick.

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