2003-03-09 - 10:17 p.m. - crap
each day i am feeling less and less like myself. more and more trapped and stripped and defeated. everything is starting to feel like 1999 when i was 19 and in my second semester at university. nothing ever seemed to work out for a long time that year and there i was hiding every weekend, almost, in alcohol, smoking wayt oo many cigarettes, never really having anything important to say or do, or anyplace to go for that matter. all the time that winter, the very beginning of 1999, the year that changed my life, was so completely miserable. i would stay up all night and sleep through all of my class, standing outside in the cold, smoking cigarettes and trying to think of how i could escape or where i could escape to. and just thinking about how nothing was worthwhile. how there was nobody who's eye i wanted to catch. and i feel that way now. and i was listening to this terrible record the other day by joan of arc and its called "so much staying alive and lovelesness." and really, the album is very terrible, but at the same time, i am in love with the title. i can totally relate to that you know? after so many times that i have put everything inside of me out on the line to someone else only to be told it is not good enough, and even recently, will never be good enough, i don't even want to try anymore. the last time a woman entered into my life, last september, and totally knocked the breath out of me, i gave her every ounce of myself, only to be turned down for something i can only assume is better. and i know i always come on too strong. but that is me. and now that is done with and given up on and i don't know what it will take to make me feel that way again. each time it takes more, i lose more of myself, and i'm afraid if i don't meet someone soon that i will have nothing left to give when i finally do. but im back in this place where there are no possibilities, romantic or otherwise, and it is time for bed and i will sleep like the devil.ah, nothing like a healthy dose of selfpity in the evenin' fore bed.
xoxo
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