2003-09-27 - 1:40 a.m. - reactions to not knowing how to behave after living for five years without nearly the heartbreak as the place you live now. relearning how to deal with everything.
you go to sleep and wake up an hour later. the middle of the night. outside there is thunder and rain that lands open palm smacks across the face of your house.you heat apple cider in the microwave. watch it turn. watch the light, dim through the screen that seperates you from the radiation. you take comfort in the light in the refridgerator when you open it. your only putting cider away.
you begin to, can't help but think to yourself about the ways you fuck everything up. and for what. you don't know why. you think about all the people you don't talk to. the people you've hurt because they hurt you. think about all the things you can do to fix everything and make it all right and all you have are half answers, none of which ever come out right. and no one, you know, will forgive you for what you've said, and you think maybe now someone will understand what you already knew. that you can forgive. but sometimes not fully. or sometimes it takes time for that forgiveness to be truly meant.
and you just sip yoru apple cider and think about the last time you felt loved. think about how you stopped thinking that you would ever be loved again. you don't even know why. its just something you think. something you feel. nobody can love anything so bitter.
you are baking chocolate.
and you're too lonely to be thinking about the past. and too afraid to think about the future and so you just stop. you know you have alienated everyone here in some way or another. even those you hold dearest. even those you never, ever intended to alienate. and its all because of some strange feeling inside yourself that you can't even define. this strange tug that feels like defeat. something you never saw, never felt until you came back to this place. something you never understood until you saw it so fucking closely.
and you know it is presumptious to assume that you are right but at the same time you believe it to the bottom of you your stomach. to the joints in your toes. but you know that no one is really defeated so why does everyone act it. why does everyone just stop trying and hide everything.
fear?
fear.
i know i am not defeated. i prove it every fucking day.
i know none of us are defeated. nothing is lost.
we have not lost.
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