2003-09-10 - 5:56 p.m. - just needed to add this. i needed to come clean a little if you will
i guess there is one thing left i really wanted to say.this isn't about being better than anybody. this is about changing. like we have been growing in different directions for a long time and i've tried to get excited about the things you do...but i just can't find it in me. and the problem arises that in a lot of ways, the ways i've changed, completely contradict the ways you've changed so that to be your friend, i have to forfeit things that are important to me. or maybe not even forfeit, but overlook. and whos to say whos right or wrong. there isn't any of that here. i, of course, think i'm right, as you think your right, so like i said, it isn't about that. it isn't about forgiving either. you can only forgive and overlook so much of what hurts you until it becomes unhealthy. honestly, if i thought you actually needed my friendship, this would be the one selfish thing i have done through all of this. but i think you have grown, and realize it, and our pretending that nothing has changed and everything is fine is nonsense, and just holding both of us back.
i just wanted to be clearer. i wanted to remove all sense of attack, because this is not about attack. that only makes things easier. i don't want to lose these friendships, but honestly, it is just becoming too much, hurting too much, hindering too much to continue it all. sometimes you make me mad. and sometimes you make me sad. and i just feel like history has been the only thing keeping this friendship alive. if my hunch is right, you feel the same way.
let's all strive to be new and bold and better than before. whatever any of our definitions of better are. let's lay this ghost to rest and move on.
and if i see you in a smokey bar or some restaruant or coffee shop, let's shake hands, or nod heads, ask each other how we've been, maybe linger a little bit in the past...who knows.
i just can't keep pretending.
i'll miss you.
xoxo
jesus christ it feels like i just broke up with someone.
i guess in a way i did.
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