2001-10-29 - 11:16 p.m. - death becomes the count

sitting here listening to the radio over such a long distance is almost surreal. im just sitting here listening, and looking out of my window, and smoking cigarettes. all day when i was driving i listened to "Cruel August Moon" the CDR that Saturday Looks Good To Me put out last year around this time. After I bought it last year it stayed in my CD player until late december and then it got removed and i didn't listen to it for a while. i don't know what i was thinking. every song on it is a perfectly scultped masterpiece. an homage to the strengths and weaknesses of the human spirit. goddam i listen to that CDR and i want to break down crying and smiling all at the same time. its so sad but also full of hope. and thats why this is the perfect time of year for it. I can listen to it when i drive, or while i am sitting in my apartment and just reflect and think about all the wonderful and wonderfully sad times from my past.

like right now i really just want to lay down and melt into my bed like wax or ice. seal my sheets to the mattress and never leave. like today i watched four straight hours of Haunted History on the history channel while i did homework and there was an episode about this crazy count whose lover died. he was an eccentric man with a background in science and he would sit with her corpse everday. he claimed that the ghost of his would be bride would sing to him in spanish, a song about a man who dug up his dead lover and took her home, laid her on a bed of roses and then killed himself next to her. the crazy count stole his lovers corpse and took her home and tried to bring her back to life. a true life frankenstein only without success. he ended up coating her body with wax, sculpting curves around the memory of her body. the woman's body layed in his presence for almost 9 years until anyone caught on. he didn't go to jail but the boday was taken from him. the night he left town an explosion swept through the cemetary where the woman was supposed to be buried, the epicenter was her mosoleum. the count was gone, never to be heard of again. at the time everyone thought the story was romantic and beautiful in a wierd and creepy way. to me it is a physical manifestation of the idea of ghosts. memories that just won't let go. people and places that wrap themselves around your brain like cancer and refuse to ever let you wlak straight. and maybe in a way this is beautiful. i wish i could tear them all off and just enjoy now. the story about the count ended up not being so pleasant in the end. an offical coroners report after the corpse was reclaimed showed that the count had been having sexual relaitons with the corpse. still kind of poetic, but a different kind of poeticism. and edgar allen poe kind of poetry. maryiln manson high school journal keeper poetry. the kind of poetry all the goth kids get sent to the counselor for.

and so why did i choose to talk about this? i dont know. maybe so we could all think about the way that words we never speak will come back to haunt us. how fears of change and facing a dark world in new surroundings can be so frightening that we refuse to let things change. we hang on to the past with every ounce of strength we can muster and trade every iota of self and dignity just to keep things familiar.

let your life change.

im trying to let mine change. thankfully i have many wonderful friendships built on respect and trust and loyalty that don't need to change. but there is still plenty i want to change.

change yourself.

xoxo

listen to: 4 hours of radio shows hosted by yr friends (especially when between the two, two hour shows youg et three songs played as requests or dedications: I requested Elizabeth's Waltz by Aloha from Todd and then he Played "You Will Miss Me When i burn" by the palace brothers and dedicated it to me...then i called laura in dayton and requested another ALoha song...three songs for me)

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