2001-10-01 - 2:15 a.m. - wishes for friends, new and old.
mixtapes and homework and parents all day and a little bit of wine in the evening to unwind and watch television with perhaps one of the most amazing people i have ever met. we laughed out loud at an animated john lovitz barely able to stay awake from lazy sunday boredom. and sundays are summed up in the shade, outside smoking cigarettes where the sun can't reach you , i held the cigarette between the base of my index and middle fingers so that when i would lift the cigarette to my mouth my hand covered the entire lower half of my face. like i have anything to hide. smoking only to draw attention to myself and look a little bit cooler to anyone that just happens to pass by.and outside the world is passing you by. you stumble through doorways with all the confidence of a young Ian McKaye never really stopping to ask why. like you could live like an angel. as if you could live forever. i think im tired of judgements passed(past?). i know im tired of words. i never reread these entries until i click the 'done' button. i just want them to be born as quickly as possible. i want them to reach all intended eyes and burn down long standing forests in the process. i want to drink more wine than any human should ever drink and then spit blood through screendoors on to broken back patios. and wake up in the morning to peel the red skin of dried alcohol from teeth. i want to live forever like that oasis song but really we're all so much cooler than oasis could ever dream to be.
i want to cry again like i did last night watching godspeed you black emperor play.
i want to be the most honest human being to ever breathe.
i wish you weren't so angry.
i wish i could hold you.
i wish you were here, and you too.
i wish you weren't so high.
i wish i wasn't so sad.
i wish you weren't so much fucking cooler than me.
i wish i could run so fast as for my body to leave my bones behind.
i wish i could kiss you.
i wish you would write more.
i wish stamps weren't 34 cents.
i wish i could finish making all these mixtapes so i could send them out.
i wish thursday wasn't so far away.
i wish i could go home.
i wish you knew how beautiful you are.
i wish i didn't smoke so many cigarettes.
somebody sent me an email on my birthday telling me that this was going to be my year. and it didn't start out any different from any other year. but now the children are running and screaming consuming more sugar than dreamed possible. just like that email said they would.
what a beautiful life this has become so suddenly in this small and once lonely town.
xoxo
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