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2001-09-15 - 4:46 p.m. - here comes love

i think tuesday morning every nerve ending in my body decided to stop working. all i remember from that day was scorching heat and a too bright sun beating down on me all day. and then it all stopped. every sensation just kind of dissappeared. im trying to reteach myself how to wake up to my alarm clock. but now all of a sudden my body started working again and all i feel is autumn. my beautiful seasonal friend the fall entered into our lives this week an we forgot to stop and greet it with the love it deserves. like today after stepping outside and feeling the coolness of the air against my skin i ran inside to my closet and threw on my favorite fall shirt. its soft and has all sorts of rainbow horizontal stripes on it. and like, normally horizontal stripes make people look fat but this shirt is totally hot and i know i look hot in it and it keeps me warm. im half tempted to wander the streets of bowling green tracing footsteps in and out of clubs and bars tonight in hopes of finding someone who will touch me. not even sexually just enough that i'll know that my skin hasn't grown to thick to feel. its been a long fuckin time since i've been hugged even. maybe a week? and a week is a long time to go without a hug, wait i take that back. last night a guy i know whom i really respect alot hugged me. and that was my first hug in a long time. and i very much appreciated it. and i think it was that hug that has whetted my thirst for more hugs.

hugs are so damn important its fucking insane. i dont even know where id be today without hugs. they remind us that we're soft and that we are capable of love even if we haven't loved or felt loved in a long time. of course, i love all my friends and i love my parents and their brothers and sisters and their parents. and i try so hard to show everyone that i love them but sometimes it never comes out right and i end up just feeling like some sort of fucking loser babbling on about overly sentimental bullshit. but really is it bad to be overly sentimental? like that time when i was in between high school and college and i fell in love with a girl who told me, and still does tell me from time to time, that i think too much. can a person think to much? i wonder how she is now. i wonder how her old friend leigh is right now. i haven't talked to her in a long time. i guess the point im getting at is that i wonder how everyone i have ever known is right now.

just know, all of you that i am starting to remember how to feel again and its like alcohol, like when you haven't drank anything in a long time and then you drink a little bit of wine it makes you extraordinarily and ridiculously drunk. well right now as my heart resumes beating it is overflowing with love and hope at extraordinary and ridiculous levels.

you know? the only things i've been able to listen to today are marvin gay's "what Goin On?" and a record i got in england called "Echoes Of The 60's" which is a bunch of tracks produced by Phil Spector. And "Setting Sons" by The Jam. and ive just been listening to those records and dancing like my life depends on it. which maybe in a way it does. but i don't really want to get into that.

and to all the friends i haven't talked to in a long time (and really more than a few days is a long time) i love you all and i never tell any of you that really.

so here i am looking all hot in my favorite cool weather shirt and wanting someone to hug listening to some of the best dance music ever made.

open up your windows and let your love pour out.

open up your eyes and let that disgusting crust that grows in your sleep out.

hang on tight, baby. this is only the beginning of the second coming of love.

xoxo

listen to: phil spector, marvin gaye, the jam.

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