2001-09-14 - 5:26 a.m. - more of the same, and new. have you ever seen me naked before? do you really want to now? well here it is. everything. no matter how small or how flabby. its all here.
all my unspoken thoughts were beautifully summed up by typewriter10.diaryland.com. just to let all of you so interested in hating me know i have been praying, and the moments when im not sleeping but trying to (and these are most moments in the middle of the night) are spent wishing and hoping in the most human way possible that people can find peace after loss and peace within themselves and toward others.these things are personal to me, these ideas and feelings, something i dont particularly want to publicize, not because im afraid of being sensitive, but because it seems as if emotion itself is being exploited in this situation. its being used as a tool. and i hate it when other people preach to me about how i should feel. and i didnt want to preach to anyone about how their emotions should act. instead i think it is important to analyze this criticaly. anger is natural. but where should it be directed? hatred, im not sure if this is considered an emotion, it seems more like an act of violence to me. im not a religious person, but im spiritual, and i have never prayed much, i just try to live a good life, but i pray for the hateful. and i also pray for the hated.
i think people have misinterpreted alot of what im saying here as being callous and anti-the-american-people. no, not one person deserved to die, as ive stated a thousand times in the last few days, nobody deserves to die, ever, unless god decides that this is the case.
all im asking is that we think about this maturely and critically. the things we hear from our media and government are, simply put, largely untrue, or at the least, one sided.
ive always said this about our media and government. now it seems more important than ever that we recognize this. patriotism is about pride in ones country. pride to me is making this country the best that it can be. the best it can be should be fair and just and reasoned. not violent and vengeful and ignorant. "ignorance is bliss" my friend kristin said. and shes right, its so easy to go along with the general current of thought right now. i know its fucking hard going against it. i might as well have been flying one of the planes everytime i express my stong anti-war views. i almost got punched today because of the anti-war patch on my sweatshirt.
typeriter10 said something like this: 'pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living' and that is what i am doing. trying to keep the living alive while keeping the dead and suffering in my heart.
so there it is, all the stuff i didn't want to talk about to the public. the current contents of my heart right now. the consistency of the blood in my veins. the marrow in my bones. here i am, completely naked before everyone. not trying to challenge but to share. not trying to make poeple think, but only trying to be as honest as i possibly can.
naked.
there is no use in fighting for the dead. the motivations of this are selfish. it is pure retribution. i knwo this final statement of mine will shock those who know me well, but if it meant us not going to war and killing more innocent people, i would not mind seeing anyone get the death penalty. hell, take me before you take more innocent people, no matter where they live or what color their skin is.
and to the fuckers who keep sayingof our 'faceless enemy': 'we've got to turn the lights off, shut em down everywhere and cripple them beyond repair.' i hope you know that there is a cold front moving in, and im pretty sure it started in yr hearts.
xoxo
just keep dreaming, thats all.
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