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2001-09-12 - 11:26 p.m. - a respone to your note and my own insecurities toward myself as i try to break out of this cycle of tragedy ive been stuck in for two days (and please if you want to know about alternative media look at my last entry)

news media used to report facts, now they are telling us how to feel. we are so manipulated by what we watch. and believe i am sad to the point of barely being able to speak most of the time. today in class we wrote for fifteen minutes then discussed. i could barely read my piece without breaking down. but do we need it shoved down our throats? do we need the sadness rubbed in to the point where if we aren't as sad or angry as somebody else we are bad people. and the media is fostering hatred and even racism through their presentation of events.

and as for the american's doing good thigns right now. i agree, we sohuld be thankful, my problem comes from the fact that these people aren't compassionate most of the time and now theya re just doing it because they can. and alot of people are bragging, from what i've seen on the news where everyone is telling their story and throw in how they saved someones life, or even people who give blood are acting like they should be revered. the thing i saw today that maid me happiest was when a firefighter was being interviewed and all he said was: "im just doing my job" no expectations of bravery or heroism or medals, hes just doing what needed to be done and thats all. too many people who are interviewed expect a cookie or a medal for their actions. but its something that needs to be done. and thats all. so sure, people are doing positive things, but why are they doing them and what does it really mean if its just so they can talk about themselves on TV?

our foreign policiy needs to change drastically. we created Bin Laden. We empowered the Taliban. We gave weapons and money to Iraq. We are giving money to Iran. We did all of this so that we would get our way, and most of the time our way in the circumstances was greed related. We either need to stop meddling or start meddling in a more respectful and, for lack of a better word, mature manner. instead of trying to solve problems we help the oppositon of the bigger enemy more resources with which to kill. and thats all it is. we help them kill, and now they're coming to kill us beacuse we treated them like shit.

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and on a comletely different note.

im getting so old. 22. today in class we were tlaking about defining generations by events and how we had the challenger explosion, columbine, oklahoma city and now this. and those frame the last 14 years of my life. my main developmental period in my life. and tonight i hung out with a girl who would have only been 2 or 3 when the challenger blew up. im not saying its bad that she is young, im just saying that im getting old and i feel old. and nothing really matters anymore and i dont really feel like speaking, ever. and im just fucking lonely half the time, even when im hanging out with amazing people i just met who are fun to be around or who ive known for years and make me laugh and think. maybe this is disaster talking but everything is really ugly these days. and im really feeling like a grown-up for the first time in my life. this is the end of innocence? i always thought i'd have had sex by the time my innocence was lost. i guess not. so here is to 22 year old virgins who feel older than they are and smoke too many cigarettes and try to understand heartache by thinking through it.

peace

xoxo

listen to: charles mingus.

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