2001-08-20 - 10:06 p.m. - just fucking fall sleep and thats it
right now we are watching a special on the BBC TV about the russian millitary. i know i say alot of unamerican things. and i know i think our millitary service is worthless and evil. but while watching this i can't help but feel grateful for how many of us have it so easy. this documentary has shown members of the millitary in their second year beating the shit out of the new guys. they punch them, box their ears, kick them in the teeth and the new guys don't fight back. its one of those universal paradoxical tragedies where if someone were to fight back, perhaps it would break the chain of abuse but not before the violence increased into a frenzy of cracked teeth and bruised ribs.we've also learned that the russian army doesn't even have enough money to buy paint. nows our chance. russia is ours. i could walk in and destroy the nations capital, claiming the country as mine with little more than a potato gun and a shit load of potatos.
lets leave em alone.
today in the mall we walk through just by tony's apartment two large store windows were laying shattered on the ground. it reminded me of the way in which somepeople speak and other people dream: static and shattered in syncopated slow dances wrapping around cafeterias and church community rooms. we're dreaming older these days.
nothing really matters anymore. nothing we do really means anything or will be remembered. british television reminds you of these ideas at an alarming rate. its all about pain and heartbreak and the apocalypse. how this species will last for billions of years and how can anything anyone has made already or will make someday ever be remembered?
i have been feeling particularly fragile these past few days. like the harder everything else gets the softer i become.
trace my veins with diamonds, careful not to cut through my skin, transparent and breakable. sweet like blood and unbelievable.
xoxo.
listen to: 17 year old russian kids getting their asses kicked and the sound of keys typing.
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