2001-08-15 - 8:21 p.m. - i sound like the sixties
i wonder how fast this train car goes? staring out the window into the underground mass of wires and walls. the motion of the train sways my body and makes my hand grip fiercly the metal railings above my head. i just want to let go. let the movement of the train become the movement of my body and just become on ecstatic seizure of the complexity of the human body juxtaposed against the (not-as-complex-as-we-think-)complexity of man made things.and im thinking about an entry i wrote a while back, about those movies where someobdy gives somebody the best fucking gift imaginable, and like they spend more than they should, or they are just so excited about this gift and then the gift gets so fucked up beyond belief or not appreciated. those movies always depress me more than anything because giving is such a beautiful, beautiful thing. and today maybe i was guilty of both. not being careful enough, not appreciating what i was given enough, letting my guard slip. and just the forces of this particular time space and setting coming together to just totally fuck this thing up. and like i wonder if some heroine addict found my wallet and is spending all the money on drugs. i think i that point i would have to make an assumption and it would go one of two ways: one: there is no god. two: there is a god, but he is sympathetic to the plight of the heroin addict. of course, perhaps a family in need, unable to pay bills and feed there children found my wallet and took it to be a gift from god.
and there was a family later in my day. they got on the tube and sat across from tony and i and the oldest girl, who was still only about 7 was crying, tears streaking her face and i remember how easy it was to cry as a child. and how we cry for all the wrong reasons. and maybe we waste all our tears and maybe that is why i can never cry. but also the two younger kids in this family, maybe 3-4-5 somewhere in that age range wer eholding hands on the train. like they were afraid of going so fast and all the metal and dry lighting and advertisements so they took solace in holding each others hands and i thought this was beautiful and pure and maybe this is where my day turned around and began moving towards beautiful.
then tony and i sat in the grass in front of westminster abby (which i will go to tomorrow to see poet's corner and feel the ghost of TS Elliot kiss my weary and aching body) and tony called mercedes on the telephone and left a message of love for her and let me say hi briefly. and i thought this was very beautiful. just the love and all. its amazing for reasons i don't want to go into and beautiful for the same reasons. and then all of a sudden today was just the most beautiful day.
ask me about the supermarkets. how they are so utilitarian here. how there aren't any giant displays with ten thousand cans of pepsi how there is only one short aisle of soda. that was beautiful too.
and don't worry about me. money has been wired to meand ill feel bad spending since i totally just fucking lost 600 dollars. but at least ill survive. and at least ill be able to do things and buy a couple of records and hopefully find things for all the people i love.
if you don't know what im talking about read the previous entry.
xoxo
read: ypsilanti.diaryland.com his post today is beautiful and it helped me so much.
listen to: all of ypsilant's bands and aloha and the white stripes and everything beautiful.
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