2001-08-13 - 1:50 a.m. - nothing means anything, anyway
summer broke down the door with sunshine and warm smiles and all the wishes and new hopes that can only come from a change of seasons. and now that it is slowly coming to a close it seems like it has lasted longer than it used to (while still, somehow and paradoxically passing over us far too quickly) and is dragging on too long; the death scene of an attention starved actor. bands are playing their songs slower. cars are driving faster. minutes either stand still or jump several at once. the garbage stinks in the garage at my parents house. and the doughnut shop isn't as full of beautiful people at whatever moment i go to get coffee and smoke cigarettes......have you ever noticed that every day living in this world just gets harder and harder. like for some reason eveyone feels the need to test the strength of the passionate people against cruel and unusual tests. like tonight i drove three hours from dayton to ann arbor to see the last show at the pirate house. when i got there i found out that the show was cancelled due to the threats of police. why now? this place has been putting on shows for years why this day of all days when i needed it the most. like all weekend in dayton everyone has been too sad or mad or drunk or in love to want to leave their rooms and i've just kind of been all by myself which im used to in bowling green but here in dayton? and so i drove six hours today and the only good to come of it was i got to listen to a lot of music. but seriously, it seems like everyone who doesn't know what it is like to be us (By us i mean passionate people who want to create or be a part of something beautiful) tries to take away everything that makes us beautiful (and we are all beautiful) like a math problem on a worksheet (one of those ones made on a ditto machine back before xerox machines were common, the ones that with purple writing smudged to the point that they could barely be read) without a plus or minus sign so that it is only two numbers and an equal sign. we are slowly be uncompleted and all of our beautiful spaces are slowly dissappearing. its like that movie "over the edge" im not going to talk about it, just watch the movie and you will know what i mean.
and sometimes now going to ann arbor is strange. like for a while it was my place i'd go, ever since matther and cale took me up there a couple of springs ago. but now the space is somebody else's. somebody from a long time ago. and when im there i wonder if im walking down a sidewalk shes walked down. if maybe ill run into her. not that shed even be in town now. i don't know. but i think about her and about something we shared and lost a long time ago and how that one time you got lost and knew you were in love and its easy to talk now and discount that feeling but i know im just lying. its not like this burning desire or anything now but missing for that beautiful thing we shared and j. we're so different now. i know. but sometimes i wonder. and maybe thats a stupid thing to do. i know it is. and its stupid because youve got your life and ive got mine and your life isnt like mine at all. and i wonder how we grew so far apart from the passionate people we were. but still, theres a pull. and it makes ann arbor strange for me now. like i just end up thinking about you and wondering what could have been. i shouldnt think about you because i know youve found someone. why do i do this to myself.you tripped up the stairs with a fear of falling. and everybody was calling your name to warn you that your shoelace wasn't tied. that no matter how you tried and tried. your words dissappeared, frayed and dissolving in a puddle of our tears.
xoxo
listen to: jane's addiction, the ass ponys, joni mitchell, ida, soophie nun squad.
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