2001-07-30 - 3:51 a.m. - i am so full of shit sometimes.
i've been sick all day and i worry because my uncle just got out of the hospital with pneumonia and i sat next to him at dinner last week and on top of all that i have had this strange feeling that my life has run out of places to go and things to do. like maybe im just feeling especially trapped or perhaps im just fatigued from almost 22 years of this world. you know? when i was younger everything seemed so beautiful. like so fucking beautiful it hurt and everything was so easy. now all i see are obstacles. we were never allowed to be ourselves as children, all cornered into the ideals of our parents and just now, in the past couple of years i have met so many beautiful people who have taught me that everything we know isn't necessarily right. as children we were full of fire and didn't even know it, like kristin said toinght: "we were doing an around the campfire story, telling a fragments then picking up where the last person left off, and i couldn't think of anything but the kids were so creative and made such wonderful details to the story" and that is because they haven't had the limitations of, the ideologies of, if you will, schools and jobs and social gatherings etc... imprinted on them. and i distincly remember hanging out with a bunch of kids in high school and there were eight girls and like 3 guys, plus me, and i was like the party clown who was only invited when they wanted to have 'the wierd guy" around, like i would always say funny creative things and sometimes they were funny and sometimes they weren't, or they were but they were too offensive, or challenging and people would look at me or say something rude to me and so i slowly learned to filter out everything that was too much. and thinking about it now, im not really a wierd guy, and i never have been, i just speak the words that others are afraid to speak and dream the dreams that others are too repressed to dream.anyone can play guitar.
the most beautiful records i own are the ones that only a few hundred were made and the artwork was all hand made with silkscreens or prints. the most beautiful magazines i own are the ones that are made with scissors and glue and cop machines. you see, we are taught that you need to follow the rules and only record labels can release records and only publishing companies can make magazines and really that's all bullshit, and it will continue to stiffle all the creativity and beauty that is in every single person i know until we all realize that its not about sales or distribution, its about the way it feels. i realized today that most of my favorite bands are localized, based in my general area of the country, and yeah, anyone can order their records online, but most of the time i buy them fromt he band, and there are bands from other localized areas that i listen to and i generally buy them from the touring band or from some small independant record shop. i realized that i have not bought a musical recording from a non-independent record store in about 3 or 4 years. and why do we need the big stores? so we can buy 50 copies of the new Blink-182 album? everything we need is right here, within a two hour radius, punk rock, ska, metal, indie rock, pop, soul, jazz, gospel, alternative/pop - rock you just need to know where to look for it. and really the bands aren't less quality then the bands signed to record labels, chances are they just aren't as good looking.
and here i am on a motherfucking soapbox again. i sit down with all these beautiful ideas to write about the small subtlties of the day and i get off on some angry tangent. this is two straight entries i've done this. maybe i should take a diaryland break.
the moth from several entries ago is back outside my door, i wonder if it is dying as it has been in the same spot for about 4 hours now. maybe the storm drove it to shelter. but the moth is fucking huge. i don't know if i can even call it a moth anymore, maybe a bird. its more like a butterfly then a moth, only grey and brown and beautiful in its dark connotations.
what do moths symbolize anyway? should i be fearing for my life? is it some omen?
okay im done. this entry sucked but it was in my veins.
xoxo.
listen to: Bunkbed Nights, The Promise Ring, Flashpapr, Lovesick, ALOHA, Ten Dollar Typewriter, the mountain goats. the town around you that you are stuck in and hate but which holds many treasures you just need to look a little harder for.
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