2001-07-26 - 4:17 a.m. - my rock and roll heart

Today was very beautiful. I felt the fire burning in my veins that has been replaced by vinegar recently. Today was the kind of day that reminds me why I believe the things I believe and act the way I act.

We saw a show at the pirate house in ann arbor, sadly there is only one more show there ever and I don�t know if I can even go. The show tonight was beautiful. S Process played first and they were really cool. After them was arcaid who was boring and, quite frankly didn�t have anything to say. You know that is something that has really been bothering about underground music lately is that it has become far too concerned with image and sound, the aesthetic aspects if you will, and many times people start bands or write poems or paint pictures without having anything to say. Julia�s sister thinks blink 182 is a punk band. I said they were pop, just like the get up kids and the alkaline trio. Pop. What is pop anyway? After Arcaid lovesick played and they were, of course beautiful. Fred talked about the song �hearts by their names� and about how it was about thinking your life is one way and it will always be that way but really you should be open to change and then he talked more about how he was very unhappy until he started letting people into his life and how then things started to get better. And it hink ive always let people in, just maybe not far enough. And really none of it means anything except for the crucifucks and candybars, im fine with that in my life now. But I�d like it to change and maybe I just need to open up to you all without all the bullshit metaphors and vague, motherfucking grammar tricks.

After lovesick Soophie Nun Squad played and the turned a room full of shoegazers into a sweaty sauna filled with satisfied kids. Something about costumes and tight jogging shorts and puppet shows that bring out the happiness in a person. I was standing self consciously almos wanting to dance but not able to do it for fear of looking stupid. Then the nuns played a sweet slow song and everyone was slow dancing and some guy threw his arm around my neck and drew me into a big circle of people slow dancing in a big circle and people from lovesick were in it and strangers and a couple people who I was at the show with and after that I just let go and motherfucking danced. I think I realized how uncomfortable I am with my body. You know�its like im afraid to express myself through motion. Like maybe if I try to show the world im having a good time my limbs might rebel against my brain and fall off. Julia gave good advice and said: �you have to know you�re a good dancer�I think�im a dancing queen�and then I am�� and I think I�ll remember that because dancing feels good and tonight was so beautiful between the introspective beauty of lovesick who was as rocking as ever and their new songs were amazing and soophie nun squad and their innocent and fun games and sing alongs.

And fred gave me a flier for a SATURDAY LOOKS GOOD TO ME SHOW on AUGUST 8 (two days after my birthday) at the MAGIC STICK in DETROIT. And it�s a fucking sweet flier with kids sitting around a listening station table and it says dance with me and I really want to dance at that show and I will go even though I will have a take home final that night. But I can handle an all nighter. Sometimes you have to do fucking stupid things so that you will remember your life as having been lived. And the flier has a sketch on the back that looks like a half woman half mannequin and it has something written beside it but I cant remember what it was and im wondering if fred needs this sketch. It�s a real nice sketch.

I miss you.

You are beautiful.

Don�t step on my rock and roll heart.

See you in the morning.

Don�t do anything I wouldn�t do.

Xoxo

Listen to: the mountain goats, lovesick, soophie nun squad, s process, wolf eyes.

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