2001-07-24 - 10:54 p.m. - loose ends dangling and frayed so maybe they'll be difficult to tie but maybe not

i can already feel the shards of broken glass be cleaned from my lungs. and if i am not mistaken perhaps a slight glow is returning to my skin and eyes. last time i took a break from smoking you told me it made me beautiful, that i glowed with a vitality that i don't have beneath the cloud of carbon monoxide (sweet, sweet carbon monoxide) that is usually swimming around my head like cartoon stars and angels after that goddam bird pries your fingers from the windowsill one by one. theres nothing gonna save you now.

"freedom is giving up all hope"

or something like that.

i wonder if i even want to quit smoking. it seems like a good idea but im still not happy. and my lack of happiness is what keeps me smoking.

i never said that i was strong.

and this morning there was a spider web strung outside my door. for real im not just making this up for a metaphor and it was a very beautiful spider web but i thought how odd it was to be so close to my door. a message from spiders that i need to get out more.

and your damn diary barely works, ive only been able to view it once...im tellin ya...diaryland is where its at...and maybe ill call you tomorrow. i have the feeling that there was something bizarre and unnesecary and hostile between us on friday. your horn honking mixed with my extreme dislike of dashboard confessional and saves the day seemed to put some sort of strain on our friendship and i don't remember saying more than 20 or 30 words to you the entire time. someday soon we will be able to meet and reinvent our friendship from the slow decomposition it has been sufering from this summer.

and you, friend, we never did get around to that coffee and cigarettes on the patio. that motherfucking doughnut shop is starting to devour my soul we must have sat in there for a good 20 hours this past weekend.

and right now jets to brazil says: "holding you we make two spoons, beneath an april moon..."

ive always loved that line.

xoxo

listen to: jets to brazil, lovesick, low, ida, ohio casket, sonic youth, marvin gaye.

go see: lovesick and soophie nun squad at the motherfucking pirate house.

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