2001-06-04 - 1:09 p.m. - self pity
today in class we got in our groups and worked on our project. i am the only boy with three girls in my group. i found out that two of the girls are engaged and the other one used to be engaged but it was broken off. am i the only boy in the world without a girl? its moments like now when i doubt my ability to go through the rest of my life by myself. I have been alone for so long now that i can't see myself any other way. my mom keeps subtly hinting that grandkids would someday be nice. i should tell her they are already on the way, that i knocked up some random girl whose name i didn't know at the time. maybe that would keep her from bothering me. my friends kid me about that now...about my mom wanting me to have a girlfriend and get married...sometimes it makes me sad and then they feel bad and feed me bullshit like...shes out there somewhere...you'll find her eventually...but with every day im growing colder and more bitter...i wonder if i would even recognize her if she found me...maybe she already has.i think this will be a long summer.we got out of the car and danced under the stars, your hand on my heart and the ground beneath us was mud.i am sinking.up to my ankles in fear.just put the keys on the table and disconnect the cable so we can leave.don't leave this way.don't leave me in this state all by myself.tracing the outline that my face makes in a mirror.i see right through myself, a deconstruction of fear.just promise me that you won't forget to write dear.i am always alone.i am never alone.
you never trusted anyone and i always told you that. now you have learned how to trust and you are running faster than you ever thought possible. you're gonna be a star.
don't forget to write.
don't forget to call.
i never see anyone, its all i have.
don't smoke.
i smoke all the time.
'don't go out alone'
im always alone.
xoxo.
listen to: "Ive been loving you too long"-Otis Redding, The White Stripes, Lovesick, Karate, Aloha, "How Ghosts Affect a Relationship" - His Name is Alive, "What's Goin' On" - Marvin Gaye, Phil Spector.
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