2001-05-27 - 3:22 a.m. - goddam
today we drove tony to the airport. nothing like a swan song just before we die. nothing quite like water falling from the sky. we all stood there waving, far too proud to cry. we wish you well. right now you are reinventing yerself. 30 minutes from landing at 10 am when it is 4 am here. you will land in fire setting fire to all your old postcards and photographs and lay waste to all the buildings that get in yer way. london's burning.and you. dammit ive never needed the gentle sincerity of your friendship more than i do now. the ground beneath my feet is slowly being pulled out from under me like im a villain standing on a rug in a cartoon. it won't be long before the tug that brings me down i can only hope to have my own blance by then. one can never get too comfortable with anything in this fucking life of always changings and never going backs.
don't go back to rockville.
and waste another year.
nobody talked about tony leaving and all i could say was 'wow, tony is on an airplane right now on his way to begin a new life' maybe not a new life but a new phase of the life he's always had. and i hope he's going to be happy because he hasnt been for so long. and i hope someday the same strike of fate and luck will find me and save me from the grim lonely future i see myself in right now. not grim. that is an overstatement, just lonely. i just wanted to talk to someone about how strange everything in this life is. how quickly it changes and perhaps how quickly it is gone.
chuck came back to his apartment tonight at 3 with an exit sign stolen from some door somewhere and he wouldn't tell us where it was from so we wouldnt tell him what movie we were watching (Trans) and so he through the sign out the window. i picked it up and put it in my trunk when i left. like the boy in trans who takes the dog and puts it in this brother's window just before he leaves. is that all there is? is that we are supposed to learn from everything? that compassion is the key to everything. i was so struck by the movie. how the boy is locked in a detention home and no one shows him any humanity everyone is indifferent to him. and then he reaches in and pulls the dog out of the cage at the end and gives the dog a home, a companion for his brother. and isn't that the most human act in the entire movie? possibly one of the most human and beautiful acts i have ever seen comitted to film.
we need to be loved. so love. we need to be touched. so give your hand. we need to be sympathtetic. so feel. we need to cry. so cry.
last night john went to jail again. that boy will never learn. third time in two months. my instincts said let him rot. he got out today. am i guilty of going against all these ideas i just espoused? i dont know. everyone is different. and nobody is better than anybody else. i need to try better to live by that. im out.
xoxo
listen to: The Clash, Lovesick, R.E.M., The Dismemberment Plan, The White Stripes, Bob Dylan, Nick Drake, The Beach Boys.
and the fifth part of my poem (anf final part) will be up soon...and the ntoes about all the allusions will soon follow)
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