2001-05-15 - 3:40 a.m. - a bunch of self indulgent, self pity.
i think im broken.its been one of those months so far when nothing really makes sense and all the good things you know exist and you want annd need are never there or never what they are expected to be. i remember when summer used to be mischief and so many late nights. hearts overflowing and so much peace. chalk butterflies on the driveway and vegetable oil on andrews car. run a barrel up the flag pool. and where the fuck is seth? i remember that girls warm embrace standing by the remains of somebody's broken house from a century, now more, ago. and the rain. oh the rain.
"i came to disappear."
i got the new REM album tonight. upon the first listen i hated it. on the second listen now it is sounding a little bit better. its a wierd one. the new weezer is okay. it doesn't have the clever lyrics of the blue album or the anger of pinkerton. it sounds like weezer, and is very weezer-esque...but thats about all. the new Lovesick record on the other hand is one of the best punk albums of the last twenty years....i think my list would go like this:
10. Cap'n Jazz - Schmap'n Shmazz
9. Lifetime - Hello Bastards
8. Embrace - Embrace
7. Husker Du - Candy Apple Grey
6. Fugazi - Red Medicine
5. The Ramones - Leave Home
4. The Clash - london Calling
3. Lovesick - Lovesick
2. Rites of Spring - Rites of Spring
1. The Clash - The Clash
with honorable mentions by Op Ivy - Energy and Rancid And out Come the Wolves and Life Won't Wait.
so that was pointless.
i dont know what im looking for anywhere but ig et the distinct impression im looking for something. i am currently living vicariously through art. i saw two amazing movies in the art cinema i saw "Amor es Perro" (translated: Love is a Bitch) and on video, Schizopolis. Two amazing, amazing movies. i could relate to both.
what am i looking for?
maybe someone to hold. ive been so strong, alone for so long. didn't think i needed anyone. now it is starting to seem though that i will never have a someone. most couples that get married meet in college. and since my college landscape is barren of intelligent women who give a shit about anything things are not promising.
i guess i've always been a loner.
"im a loner dottie, a rebel"
(thats a pee wee's big adventure reference, not get up kids)
fuck.
fuck.
fuck.
oh well.
xoxo
listen to: lovesick.
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